2026年13月04日: im anxious about being too open
This will be more of a vent entry… so expect rambling and incoherent paragraphs in general.
It seemed that I was having a “burst” of motivation when updating the site. I always have a lot of “to-do” lists in my brain, so I focus a lot on revamping old pages, and I never post my pages of shrines, reviews, or ramblings about certain topics. I have a couple of done “reviews” (that are just subjective opinions more than anything) ready to be integrated into the site, but I never do. And I was wondering why I limit myself like that.
When do I have to limit myself and my opinions? Do I limit myself because of certain titles I consume? Or it’s because I feel like I’m sharing too much of myself, and that’s why I don’t let my site be “too personal”? Don’t know if I’m making sense, really. But I never post opinions on anything because it’s like I’m exposed... Maybe that’s why I decided not to post my art here or anywhere and I stopped doing art altogether. I want to share my art here, but it’s sad to see that you cannot be someone who can share interests so freely if you want to pursue being an artist online… “But what do you have to hide!?!!??” someone will ask, but if you see the state the bird app is in, you’ll see how quickly people will put you on the spot when you disagree with the stupid discourse about what’s correct or not in fiction.
I don’t have any interest in engaging with people who waste their time interacting with things they hate. I’ve never interacted with people so rabid until I started using the birdapp to engage with fandoms, and it’s just a miserable space altogether. It’s like a ticking bomb before you’re ‘called out’? I would like to create and share a lot of things, but I see how insufferable people are with omocat and their game; it’s like someone will always question/call out you and your interests instead of just disengaging with you and your work, but no, they have to glue themselves with it despite being so uncomfortable. People seem to like seeing public executions or witch hunts because it’s entertaining, not because it’s helping in the grand scale of things.
So what parts of myself do I need to cut off before posting things? What am I allowed to post to not feel anxious? I should stop caring and post whatever I want, really… I want to draw again and just not care. I just want to post about my interest and not care. I had fun before, so why cant I freely post whatever without caring too much? Seeing how people harassed Syundei until they deleted their account made me annoyed, sad, and irritated… The same people who supposedly “love” the butched adaptation. Everything is just too ridiculous.
If I'm not sharing my perspective into this site, then why I even have it? Would deleting this site and creating other help? I don't know...