2026年03月15日: brainrotting go away please

feeling: anxious
thinking: x
listening to: yb video
weather: warm
i've been brainrotting for a moment… it’s worrying, tbh! my free time consist of bed rotting and doom scrolling, our favorite new words from the internet. i don’t know what it is, but my brain goes into panic mode as if it were a toddler getting their ipad taken away. it’s as if my brain has found a comfort in watching stupid videos… hence, not thinking or making an effort. so, i need to shift my actions into things more thought-inducing so this dry brain of mine starts to think again!

i will force myself to read an article each morning. it has to be in my native language, though! although i should just read both in spanish and english. i’ve been compiling some sites, and, surprisingly, substack is a good place for reccomendations. although that site behaves the same as twitter and some writings are pretentious or are made in mind to gain traction, there are some good and helpful writings that are entertaining enough! i’ve been reading a lot there lately, but i should focus on other type of writings as well.

my japanese’s practice has not gone well that much… i’ve not been completing the tasks i’ve been setting up on my notes, and i neeeeeeeeeeed to get back on track… i was listening to a podcast everyday, so something as simple as that should be fine for now. my habits always reach a peak before inevitably fall into unmotivation again...

i should start reading more short books. i’ve wanting to read danmeis that are the size of the bible but, honestly, i should read more literature in my language, fiction, nonfiction, essays… in english too. danmeis will have to wait for now… or at least one chapter a day from a danmei lol. i dread reading them sometimes.

i will write. i will commit, i swear to my ass. long time ago, these hands wrote a lot of messy shit and were proud of it. now, my empty head is blank. there was a hole in here and it’s still there… some prompts both from personal journalism and creative writing should do the trick! it doesn’t matter if it’s garbage (always has been), if i committed, it means i did something. but i have to stop being so mediocre and fall into my misery and comfort zone. get up dumbass!!

art… i think my journey with art is over. my mind is completely filled with fog and i don’t think it will ever recover. for some reason, i’ve felt the worst disappointment towards my journey and myself. a lot of years i neglected my studies and i just never improved, and that’s something i really feel so sad about. i don’t feel regret for a lot of things since they were out of my reach but this one, damn. i do feel regret. sometimes i think i didn’t have the hands and eyes for it anyway, as if i thought my art was ‘forced,’ but i’m unsure why i feel such misery towards this. may doodle, who knows. but the love and motivation i had for it is gone. weirdly, i did a banner with my art on it, and i liked it. pixel art is not my forte (art in general isn't) but it was fun.

i should finally do something with the thousands of photos taking my phone’s space. one of the many reasons of my misery is not knowing how to back them up without paying a monthly subscription until i die. usb? can break, can catch an illness. my computer? i don’t trust this poor trash that wants to die repeteadly. an image host service? will face termination one day. multiple accounts on gmail? no more new accounts, just suffering. so yeah, i don’t know what should be the best option…

also i should ramble about how archiving photos is such a pain now. everything can disappear and nothing can be trusted... everything will die eventually, you, me, neocities, whatever! it's like living in constant paranoia and i have had enough of it!!!
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